may be I am out of context

I definitely thinking out of context

and my behaviour is not the best

and the worst is that I am a nutcase most of the time these days and only those who can see below the surface see that I worth something….

because the worst is when the anger spills out of your guts in times when you get out of control.

currently I am angry at my situation and I know that most of it related to my shitty relationship with my father… whose personality was cold and whose physical abuse was not helpful (because that is the way he was brought up, we had it too)… it was not very very bad all the time but those times that remained in my brain as a memory are there.

I am struggling to communicate the way I suppose to communicate with people… I end up embarrassing myself and especially in front of man…

I am scared of people and my scorpio sign lashes out verbally onto outside with such a fierce when it is not controlled (and last time when I got drunk….)  I am never physical, I just basically eat myself alive with all the frustrations and sadness.

I read, I try not be involved with reality, just reading and hiding behind the books and disappearing into their content… I am playing with my mind….

I hope it I will pass, and those who know me somehow can bear with me until I collect my shattered scared me into one beautiful flower.

soul

can our soul die without one notices?

when you really want to avoid it….

then it is all over around you….

I was hoping that my little existence can be happy as it is and by avoiding the reality as hard as I can and with creation of my own world it would be easy to breathe…

the reality is ignorant with my needs and things are happening on their own course.

Obviously.

obviously no wonder that is the way it is happening… I mean, I throw tantrums at the inevitable things and how they turn out be.

I am surrounded with the things that other people seems like achieve with more ease and vice-versa I suppose for some people what I have is more desirable….

I am trying really hard to snap out of this order… and look at the bright side of the current situation and being happy to be half and feel whole whilst being only half….

so is there an other half?

on the other hand we suppose to be only that way, being alone and bear the solitude of the mind of our own…

Dreamtime of time or where is the reality

if it exists but certainly that is the question. existence.

I read about the Australian aboriginals time concept and it seems like an interesting idea…    (have to mention here Dr Fred Alan Wolf )

if I understood it right:

there are two parallel times running. one is the daily mundane and the other the spiritual/soulful time where all the true matters* are created (somehow just like Plato duplicated perfect world)

*matters are such as values, symbols, creation of humans, animals… etc

somehow dreaming is like another dimension…

in Jewish tradition – what I know – it is considered like little death… or I would say that as when very religious people wake up and open their eyes they say a prayer to thank God for waking them up…. and through the bible dreams do linger like mist…

I sometimes would like to exist in my dreams more than in the reality… to avoid all the things that can hurt or make no sense…although dreams can be scary and exhausting…

it is good still and comforting to know that there is more to the dreams and I can sometimes dip into their playful world that I know I create for myself …

when you are single

it is frustrating.

actually more than that.

the loneliness itself gets to me…. not sure what to do about it anymore….

these days when you are alone and in a big city it is not like someone says hello on the street ….

so I dig into my loneliness evenmore and just reading books, trying to focus on my studies and watching films… basically all the things I do require solitude so I should be happy to be lucky to have all the time for myself when I am not at work but then if there is no one to say a word and no one to share the things I have read or seen it gets frustrating…

here and there

not sure where to start, somehow there are so many things that are crossing my mind currently….

I have been through the hell the last few months with all the things and just wish that I can forget them and never remember them but then I do realise that is not the way forward…. and the those memories will creep back anyway somehow…

I managed to live in a horrible household for 8 months! I do not understand why and how but that is the interesting part as I was wittnessing domestic violence… You think to yourself the way that can happen to others that cannot happen to yourself… but as a witness you think sometimes the same as a victim.

Victims can choose to be a victim by justification why to remain in a situtation. In this household there were two rooms sublet. There was a couple and their kid and the two other people renting two rooms. I was one of them… after certain months it was clear the couple had no peaceful life and their kid expressed their problems during the night. They had and still have rows, shouts and screaming arguments.

Pieces of information came out certainly slowly but surely out. Such as paranoid mental illness with violent behaviour from the guy side. The girl had the kid and would not leave because she does not want her kid to have half brothers/sisters so rather being beaten up (a year ago regularly) nowadays irregularly. 

 I remained in this household as it was a cheap room but as there was one incident where he was trying to break the bathroom door on his girlfriend and their kid was playing around and as I “interfered”  – asked them to keep it a bit down on Saturday morning at 11am - the guy decided that I am the enemy so his paranoia got out of control. (as from my part, there was one time when I humiliated the guy as he left his shit in a toilet to  They changed the lock as they had a burglary and my key did not work and that was another way to bully me. At first I thought, I can live there however they gave me a notice after which I managed to find a place before they deadline and that was another reason for them (here they were united) to exploit my situation so they withheld my deposit. The sad part that this guy is beating up his girlfriend whilst a trustee of a charity called relate. I suppose some discrepancy not a problem and somehow some people can really separate their “professional” and “private life”.

lessons learnt out of this:

1. never live in London (UK) with your so-called “landlord”! They are not required to protect your deposit, so can take whatever amount out of your deposit!
2. never think that where there is a domestic violence and if it continues after a day or so will stop.
3. better avoid to live with people who have paranoid disorder as experiencing to be a “enemy” with no reason is scary. (as for political correctness I have no problem with mental illness)
4. as for myself will not allow myself to be in a relationship where someone can hit me or abuse me verbally! and if I would have a kid then would run fast out of such a situtation even if it is tougher to survive money wise.
5. there is always a way out.

Hopefully what comes around goes too.

Now I live in another house and hoping it will be good until my life resolves itself.

sadness of depression

so here I am pouring my heart out to the universe which will not answer.
I wish I could believe in something but the cold reality shows the everydays as they are.
I feel so depressed and sad. everytime when I break up it shadows my life so badly that it seems the sun was swallowed by some monster and the darkness lurking from all over the corners.
I have no appetite and loosing weight and I have no desire to live….
it will pass, it will and then it will all start again that someone will be nice to me and we get together but somehow I am never good enough to be loved… I suppose this is life and it is not a fairy tale.

the loneliness of the heart crying out and there is nothing that can be done. I wish he would loved me but he does not…..and my story is just one out of a million